theyukiakari

Informal but i just want to let it out. lately ive been trying to cover up things. Not lies. More or less pain, anger... something to that effect... i dont know whats going on around me anymore. My group of friends have fallen apart and I feel useless. I feel as i cant fix anything and is still stuck in the past. It seems if i try to move forward something drags me down. As if it doesnt want me to move on or continue to lead life. Its hard. I cant choose because its not something i can do. Keeping something valuable to you is difficult. At the same time while its not your world you can put all your time into it and make it work. Things come and go. As they progress on so should you, correct? I dont mean to hurt people. But unintentionally it seems to happen. A lot. In fact to much. I dont like it when people are mad at me. Especially when they are mad and I dont have a clue about what is going on. Half the time im trying to keep myself steady. Even though this entry may sound conceded or selfish. Its one post. I want to let it out. Family is important. And i seem to be doing something wrong here. Lately ive been trying to change. Not drastically but subtly. Trying to change your additude is both hard and easy. More or less just have the common sense. Sometimes id say things that sound different than in my head. What most people dont do is clearify. I try to for the most part. Ive been trying to be nice. try to expand my social horizons. But it seems as though if i try it turns on me. one way or another. Sometimes I dont even know if its about me. I try to keep myself out of trouble and steady as i go. I dont want to sound conceded either. But if i read something, hear something i feel obligated to fix what i have done wrong. what ever it may be for the matter. It may not even be about me for all i know. Its an automatic reaction where I reflect upon myself. Then automatically again id put on self hate. I dont like it nor do i enjoy it. But it happens. To all of us. Regardless I'm finally trying to be a sister while I have a chance. Trying to be a daughter and a family member, a friend. But jugling all of these right now are putting me though the cliche teen age angst or teen age depression. My life isnt as hard as others. we all have our problems and facing them is hard, as a more general aspect i feel like everything is slowly breaking before me. I dont know how to fix it if the other side doesn't want to try to fix it either. or it just doesnt work out due to schedule. I dont know what to do anymore. Ive resulted to studying. seeing as things dont seem to be working out i might as well. seems like being happy for people all the time sounds like a bunch of bullshit. As for the occasional laughs it automatically turns on you. So it seems lately. On the other hand im finally passing math.

To those who have boyfriends. Good job, you have a relationship.
For those who are single and don't care about relationships. Good job, you don't care.
Then for those who just keep living on all lonely and emo in your corner.

Well.... sometimes when life sucks you suck it up and deal with it.
Sometimes when love sucks you don't suck it up and put their balls on the line (in a girls perspective)
And when lifes going good. The people around you hate you to the bone because life's just so easy for you.

Ah but oh well right? Its because your parents suck, gods being unfair, boss is an ass. Or vise versa.

Sometimes that just makes you want to huddle in a ball and stay in that dark lonely corner or jump out into worlds embrace and try new things.

I have no idea where this is getting at. But either way. Life sucks hence why im pouring out my feelings onto this meaningless little window on the interwebs. And yes people, that's my intro.